Recovering from Anorexia involves grief — here is what you can do.
Gaining weight is an essential and painful part of recovering from an eating disorder. This is the turning moment that could prevent us from taking the brave step towards recovery since it involves unbearable emotions like shame, guilt, disappointment, and resentment.
Grieving, therefore, is a normal emotion. Feelings of loneliness and hopelessness are common. It’s also reasonable to consider going back to our unhealthy old habits in an attempt to feel safe again.
These emotions stem from missing our formal selves, our old bodies — our old sizes— and our familiar comfort zone. We are experiencing Body Grief.
What is Grief?
Grief is the experience of coping with loss. It involves more than losing someone by death, it also involves losing a connection to someone or something.
We can become disconnected from our authentic selves and feel emptiness, we can get estranged from our loved ones and feel loneliness, and we can lose connection with our bodies and feel alienation.
All of these emotions indicate that we are grieving.
Body Grief is real and can be as draining as other forms of grief.
It is the feeling of sadness over losing the shape and the weight we used to have.
This feeling is common during recovery from most eating disorders and during times of life transformation.
I experienced it when I was still fighting Anorexia.
What happens when we experience body grief:
Before developing an eating disorder — I was not satisfied with my body. I used to treat it as an object that always needs fixing.
Although, I was living the “thin privilege”, I developed an obsession with the idea of losing more weight and being thinner.
I need to say that — having a bigger body doesn’t mean you need to lose weight, and doesn’t also mean you don’t have the potential to develop an eating disorder.
Being thin is not also a sign that you are having an eating disorder.
Eating Disorders don’t differentiate between bodies. They are attitudinal illnesses, not physical ones.
I lost a lot of weight to the extent I lost my ability to concentrate on the ordinary daily tasks of my life. And the fear of losing my life prompted me to choose recovery.
Recovery means gaining more weight — more than we had expected or hoped. So, it entails missing our previous weight.
The unbearable feeling of guilt and shame:
“I am no longer the thinnest — I am not who I used to be” —
Those are the most repeated words we tell ourselves during that phase. We feel that we can’t deal with our new selves, we can’t cope with the feeling of inadequacy, and we can’t restore the feeling of euphoria and pride that come with having the “Ideal Body.”
Most of those who are suffering from an eating disorder have a distorted image of their bodies. We are embracing negative thoughts about how we look, how others see us, and how we see ourselves in the mirror.
Losing the “Ideal Body” — which is linked to the internalization of the perfect size — makes us feel that we no longer belong, and can’t survive or thrive.
we live in a society and culture that molds us in a specific shape and expects us to follow it.
But there’s always a way to break free from that pattern.
How to cope with body grief?
1- Admit that you are grieving:
Our emotions will worsen if we deny them. Just remember that what we resist always persists.
So, the first step to healing your body grief is to admit that you are missing your old size.
And it is normal. Missing our old shapes, old clothes, and old selves is real and matters, and when we name that feeling, we can easily cope with it.
2- Embrace surrender rather than acceptance:
Acceptance is the last phase of grief. Some people connect it with meaning. But, we tend to think of acceptance as an act of enjoyment or joyfulness — so, it could be hard to swallow that concept.
Therefore, I prefer to embrace the concept of surrender rather than acceptance.
Surrender means to stop fighting what you are going through, to stop overanalyzing it, and also to stop over-searching for meaning.
In fact — obsessing over the meaning of our experiences could be a sign that we are unable to accept them, or that we are resisting our anxiety and can’t sit with our emotions.
Surrender is also the antidote to using coping mechanisms — which are still coping strategies even when they are healthy in and of themselves.
Thus, embrace surrender — Take your time to appreciate what you are going through without trying to change it.
3- Learn more about body acceptance, body positivity, and body neutrality:
You don’t have to be fully satisfied with your body — but you can accept it as it is which is known as “body acceptance”.
You can also train your mind to develop “body positivity”, which means positively seeing your body regardless of how people and society view ideal bodies.
If you find it hard to apply those concepts, you can just try to — emotionally and physically — take a neutral stance toward your body. You don’t have to force yourself to love it, rather, you can treat it as a physical vessel and a part of who you are — not a definition of your worth.
4- Dealing with mirrors:
During this phase — mirrors can be a tool to practice body surveillance. Here, you have to quit body-checking.
You just need to:
1- Notice your behavior.
2- Name it.
3- Redirect your attention to something else.
Remember that checking ourselves in mirrors is a form of self-harm that affects our self-worth and our views towards ourselves.
And as “Abbie Attwood” put it:
“When you see your reflection, it just is.”
5- Get rid of your old clothes:
This is a crucial step you have to take. You need to build a new wardrobe that fits your new body. You need to get rid of any clothes that no longer fit you.
You can start small, searching for what makes you feel comfortable and doesn’t prompt you to suppress your natural body weight.
6- Replace self-criticism with a self-compassion:
When we feel helpless or sad, we tend to blame and speak negatively to ourselves as a way to motivate ourselves in an attempt to change our current state.
Self-criticism, though, backfires. Language matters and when you teach your mind that gaining weight is a threat or something you have to be afraid of, your anxiety will skyrocket.
Instead, you need to be compassionate to yourself, you need to observe the language you use to describe your body, you need to treat yourself with love and kindness, and remember that you are not alone.
7- Practice Introspection:
Eating disorders, disordered eating, and body image issues could be a manifestation of inner difficulties.
If you aren’t familiar with the idea of regulating your emotions, you need to educate yourself about “introspection”.
Introspection is the psychological process that involves examining our thoughts, emotions, judgments, and perceptions. It helps in understanding our emotional state, what we are going through, and how to deal with it.
8- Neuroplasticity:
Our minds are plastic.
We can easily change our thoughts by changing our behaviors.
During the phase of grief, you need to build new neural pathways that enhance accepting your new weight and your recovered body.
It is said that what fires together, wires together.
So, the more you work towards normalizing weight gain, the more your anxiety alleviates.
9- Observe your social media feed:
Unfollow and block any accounts that could prompt you to question your worth or make you judge your body.
Unfollow diet culture communities and any accounts that instill the idea of losing weight or using exercises as self-punishment.
Connect only with those who share your perspectives, and support your journey.
10- Setting Boundaries:
Protect your physical and mental peace by setting boundaries.
Don’t engage in any conversation that could make you regress. Be decisive and accurate and use assertive communication when facing such situations.
You have to associate your boundaries with accountability and commitment.
For example: You can say:
“Sorry, this is not the communication I am hoping for”
“I don’t prefer talking about my body or my food choices”
“I don’t want to know about new diets”
Boundaries are about what we like — not what we expect from others. So, focus on what you want and need.
11- We can’t control others’ words but we can control our reactions:
Others’ words or behaviors belong to them. They say nothing about us.
If you feel triggered by others’ remarks, try not to act.
Rather, notice your emotions, and name them, but don’t take any action.
You can breathe, count to ten, imagine yourself in a lovely bubble, or just remind yourself that it is their opinion and you don’t have to embrace it.
12- Stop using “before and after” photos as a measurement of your worth:
When we keep looking at our old photos, we will experience more anxiety.
“Before and after photos” enhances the meaning of conditional self-love. It means that we have to honor ourselves only when we have a specific look or size.
Not to mention that our body weight says nothing about who we are as human beings.
13- We are constantly changing:
Keep in mind that our bodies are created to change constantly. It is the truth you have to accept.
Therefore, stop criticizing yourself for being you. Stop punishing yourself for something beyond your control.
14- This time will pass:
Grief will not last forever.
Like any phase in our life — grief is transient and needs patience and compassion.
Stop being harsh on yourself and only focus on what you can do.
Body grief is a critical phase in your recovery journey. You will experience a wide range of uncomfortable emotions and you have to learn to how deal with them.
Fixing our relationship with our bodies and food is an ongoing process — and building a healthy companionship with them is a must.
Gaining weight is not a problem, we can be healthy at any size without restricting our intake, sweating ourselves, and suppressing our natural set point.
Fear of gaining weight or body changes is just a learned concept — and we can easily unlearn what is detrimental to our physical and mental health.
