I told him I couldn’t deal with his drama anymore.” My friend and I continue our walk through the Texas State Capitol building and pause in front of a portrait. “Check this guy out. Popping collars before popping collars was a thing.”
He’s right. The painted portrait of the judge — or governor… hell, he could be Davy Crockett for all I know — has the collars to his white shirt popped upwards. The edges almost reach his ears and combined with his subtle smirk, the portrait looks absurd. I chuckle and text a photo to my brother. He and I both popped our collars in college.
“Anyway,” my friend drags out the “y” as he continues. “I couldn’t deal with his ego, especially when he got drunk.” I nod in response remembering moments myself.
“He say anything after you talked?” I ask as I move to another portrait. I’m realizing just how weird this conversation is turning out. Who has a heart-to-heart at the Texas State Capitol surrounded by portraits of old dead guys? Both of us are locals but had never visited the capitol. So we decided our bro date should include “touristy crap” neither of us had done.
My friend walks down the aisle to another portrait and pauses. “Nah. He was like whatever, then left.”
Though it’s now several years later, watching a group of my friends “break-up” was tough. Despite my hopes, no one reconciled and our tight-knit group fractured. I remained friends with all parties involved, but the whole situation was difficult to navigate. If I went out with a friend that was now a persona non grata, other friends wouldn’t show up. The worst part was that I couldn’t blame any of them for splitting up. Any relationship, whether a friendship or romantic, will encounter turbulent times. One party may wound another. A friendship may turn toxic and for your own well-being you may need to bail out of the relational burning bus.
There are plenty of reasons to split with a once close friend, but the aftermath is like trying to maneuver through an asteroid field. So how do you weather a break-up with a once close friend?
1. Respectfully Inform Your Mutual Friends
While hearing the news that my group of friends was going through a break-up totally sucked, I was glad that each of them told me. None of them bad mouthed the other. Instead, they informed me of the reason why they wouldn’t show up if the other was there.
Your situation may involve a lot of drama. Maybe someone slept with the significant other of a friend in the group. The worst thing that can happen is that your group descends into nothing more than a gossip club. I’ve ended up in situations with people I’d just met, only to hear them bitch about their old friend who was no longer part of the group. Sure, misery loves company, but no one wants that as the basis for friendships. Instead, avoid the gossip landmine and keep it civil so all parties involved can grow out of the experience.
2. You’re Probably Not Going To Receive Closure, So Don’t Force It
Anytime my wife and I get into an argument, she needs time to cool off, whereas I want to fix the situation. I can’t stand people being upset with me and my nature is one of a people pleaser. People pleaser or not, most of us don’t like knowing a close friend or family member is upset with us. We don’t like fallout and we don’t like open wounds to fester. Whether it’s death, a divorce, or even a TV show we’re invested in, we want closure. But when you’re dealing with a friend break-up, there’s a good chance there won’t be any at first.
A friend break-up implies that the two of you are no longer friends. Something broke your bond and now you’re at odds. While closure is an emotionally mature step, consider that if you had a significant other cheat on you, the last thing you’re likely to do is talk about it in a calm and responsible manner. Whether the friendship was toxic, wounding, or a source of drama you’ll need time apart to heal. If you want closure to occur, wait until there are less emotions attached to the situation and you and the other person are healthier.
3. Be An Adult. Don’t Ghost Them.
One fall evening I sat a friend down and explained how there was constant drama and repeated wounds in our relationship. He always made me feel guilty when I couldn’t hang out. Instead of fading out of his life, I confronted him and let him know for the time being I needed time apart. Our friendship wasn’t healthy.
While the entire event was awful, and I almost chickened out multiple times, I was glad I took a bold step. We reconciled a year later, and it forced him to examine the type of friend he was. The event also forced me to evaluate the friends I wanted in my life. Studies show you are most like the people you hang around. So if your friends are a constant source of drama and negativity, your chances of being a black hole in the lives of others is astronomically high. Once people realize they may be in unhealthy friendships, instead of laying out what’s going wrong they try to fade away. There’s two problems with this method.
- Your friends rarely get the memo. Most times they’ll keep reaching out and you’ll keep having to make excuses. If they’re already unhealthy, then this is just going to make them bitter and increase your odds of getting slandered among other friends.
- You’re letting them continue in their destructive habits instead of drawing boundaries. If they don’t know what’s wrong, they’ll treat other people the same way. They have to understand there are consequences for their actions.
So be an adult. Pick up the phone, invite them out for a meal, and gently explain why this break-up is happening. Remember, how they respond is on them. Not you.
4. Don’t Play the “What If” Game
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
You’ll feel lousy after a friend break-up especially if it’s your BFF. You’ll wonder what you — or they — could have done differently. You’ll speculate on whether you’ve even done the right thing. As C.S. Lewis states in his classic book on friendship, The Four Loves, these feelings emerge because you gave little bits of your heart to this person. They know secrets about you others may not. You chose to be vulnerable and share your life, time, and heart with them. But when you’re vulnerable with another human being, there’s also the possibility of deep heartache.
I’ve watched romantic couple after romantic couple jump back into an unhealthy relationship because they play the “what if” game. What if we did things different this go round? What if this fight was finally the breakthrough? What if we can patch things up? Friendships are no different. Because of the love you have for the other person and the vulnerability you shared, you might try to patch up a broken friendship only to enter the same sick cycle once more. Until both parties heal and someone makes changes, recognize your feelings may not be trustworthy for the time being and there was a reason for your split.
5. Hope for Reconciliation, But Realize You May Never Reconnect
Unless a friendship is utterly toxic, I’ve tried to reconcile after enough time has passed. Much of that depends on whether the friend in question has changed and grown healthier. If not, I like to remind myself of something I once heard:
”A lot of the world’s problems could be solved by who we love and who we choose to be friends with.”
Sometimes, the healthier option is not reconnecting. Sometimes it is. I believe people deserve second chances. I like being wrong when I think people can’t change because there’s nothing more rewarding than watching a redemption story. That’s why so many people started out hating Jaime Lannister’s character in the TV epic, Game of Thrones, only to fall in love with him. He took time to change and redeem past failures. However, were he to stay the same, viewers would continue to hate him.
In the years that have passed among my friends break-up, apologies have been made, but the relationship that once was is no more. All parties have moved on and gone their separate ways. It’s not that anyone is angry or bitter. They’ve found new friends or realized it was best to continue without trying to make something work.
In your friend groups, you must decide the same and no one—apart from you—can make that decision. Are you a healthier person without their influence? Or is there the possibility of growth and a connection once more? Perhaps that’s the hardest part about a friendship. Unlike a marriage, there are no legal obligations. It’s solely about whether the person you choose to be friends with is a choice that enriches your life.
